Desperate Virgin

A young woman is complaining to her friend "I've been married three times and I've never had sex!"

Her friend replies, "How is that possible?"

"Well," the woman says, "the first time I married for money, but he was old and he died on our wedding day.

"The second time I married for love, but he turned out to be gay."

"So what's wrong with this one?" the friend asks.

"Well, this one's a computer programmer. We've been married for five months, but so far all he does is sit at the end of the bed and tell me how great it's going to be!"

Inscription on a Programmer gravestone

An inscription on the gravestone of a programmer reads:

General protection fault - 10.10.1971

Runtime error - 23.09.2008

How Programmers Kill a Cockroach

Q: How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?

A: Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it

Why is there no Obfuscated Perl Contest

Q: How come there is not obfuscated Perl contest?

A: Because everyone would win.

Bugs in C vs. C++

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

On Re-using Problem Solutions

A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.

An Architect, a Hooker and a Programmer

An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.

"Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession," said the hooker.

"Ah," said the architect, "but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?"

"What are you getting at, God?" The hooker asked.

"And was He not the divine architect of the universe?" The architect asked, looking smug.

The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. "And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?"

"Darkness and chaos," the hooker said.

"And who do you think created chaos?" the programmer said.

Geeks at SXSW Telling Jokes

Geeks Telling Jokes from Gabe on Vimeo.

Via Gizmodo

Programmers and Marketers Riding on a Train

A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.

One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.

The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.

On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.

One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!"

A UNIX Wizard and his Apprentice

A UNIX wizard hears cries of torment from his apprentice's computer room where the apprentice is studying, and goes to investigate.

He finds the apprentice in obvious distress, nearly on the verge of tears. "What's the problem?" he asks. "Why did you cry out?"

"It's terrible using this system. I must use four editors each day to get my studies done, because not one of them does everything."

The wizard nods sagely, and asks, "And what would you propose that will solve this obvious dilemma?"

The student thinks carefully for several minutes, and his face then lights up in delight. Excitedly, he says, "Well, it's obvious. I will write the best editor ever. It will do everything that the existing four editors do, but do their jobs better, and faster. And because of my new editor, the world will be a better place."

The wizard quickly raises his hand and smacks the apprentice on the side of his head. The wizard is old and frail, and the apprentice isn't physically hurt, but is shocked by what has happened. He turns his head to face the wizard. "What have I done wrong?" he asks.

"Fool!" says the wizard. "Do you think I want to learn yet another editor?"

Immediately, the apprentice is enlightened.

A Programmer and a Genie

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

An SQL Injection Walks into a Bar

An SQL Injection walks into a bar, starts to quote something but stops, drops a table, then dashes out.

A Geek's one night stand

A Geek's one night stand:

whois && gawk && uname && talk && date && wine && touch && unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes; yes; more; yes; umount && make clean && sleep

A 1 and a 0 are walking down the road

A 1 and a 0 are walking down the road.

1 says to 0, "I feel a little chilly."

to which 0 responds, "I'm actually feeling kind of warm, but I could be off."

The Smoking Computer Programmer

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

How many prolog programmers

Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Yes.

Programmer and his Project Manager board a train

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

A Cobol programmer made so much money

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

What's the difference between an introvert developer and an extrovert developer?

What's the difference between an introvert developer and an extrovert developer?
The extrovert developer looks at your shoes when he talks to you.