You must hate version control systems, we won't be using any. You must hate commenting and documenting code, it's redundant to anyone who can read the code. You must hate block-style css, it over-abstracts layout. You must hate optmizing code or writing efficient code, that's not the point. Everything we do here prioritizes the ability for the client to make changes. That's the only speed that counts.
A young woman is complaining to her friend "I've been married three times and I've never had sex!"
Her friend replies, "How is that possible?"
"Well," the woman says, "the first time I married for money, but he was old and he died on our wedding day.
"The second time I married for love, but he turned out to be gay."
"So what's wrong with this one?" the friend asks.
"Well, this one's a computer programmer. We've been married for five months, but so far all he does is sit at the end of the bed and tell me how great it's going to be!"
There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"
A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.
A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.
An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.
"Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession," said the hooker.
"Ah," said the architect, "but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?"
"What are you getting at, God?" The hooker asked.
"And was He not the divine architect of the universe?" The architect asked, looking smug.
The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. "And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?"
"Darkness and chaos," the hooker said.
"And who do you think created chaos?" the programmer said.
- Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
(Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. )
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
- Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? (and No, it is not "Open the refigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator?")
(Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.) This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
- Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
(Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.) This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true analytical abilities.
- Q4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
(Answer: You just jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Lion King's Meeting.)
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,
Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The shepherd cheers,
Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,
Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
The young man answers;
Man: “Yes, why not?”
Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."
Man: “How did you know?”
Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"
A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.
One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.
The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.
On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.
One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!"
After spending a night with Divine Brown, Bill Gates turns to her in the bed and says "I understand now why they call you Divine Brown. She turns back to him and says "And I now understand why you called your company Micro - Soft"
A UNIX wizard hears cries of torment from his apprentice's computer room where the apprentice is studying, and goes to investigate.
He finds the apprentice in obvious distress, nearly on the verge of tears. "What's the problem?" he asks. "Why did you cry out?"
"It's terrible using this system. I must use four editors each day to get my studies done, because not one of them does everything."
The wizard nods sagely, and asks, "And what would you propose that will solve this obvious dilemma?"
The student thinks carefully for several minutes, and his face then lights up in delight. Excitedly, he says, "Well, it's obvious. I will write the best editor ever. It will do everything that the existing four editors do, but do their jobs better, and faster. And because of my new editor, the world will be a better place."
The wizard quickly raises his hand and smacks the apprentice on the side of his head. The wizard is old and frail, and the apprentice isn't physically hurt, but is shocked by what has happened. He turns his head to face the wizard. "What have I done wrong?" he asks.
"Fool!" says the wizard. "Do you think I want to learn yet another editor?"
Immediately, the apprentice is enlightened.
A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
An architect, engineer and mathematician are all asked to use the same materials to make a fence encompassing the most space.
The architect goes about making a beautiful octagonal fence with scroll work at the top.
Engineer says: "Not bad. now watch this..." The engineer makes a fence perfectly round.
The mathematician says nothing and goes about constructing a very tiny fence just big enough for him to stand in.
The architect and engineer start laughing and tell the mathematician that there supposed to make a fence that encompass the MOST space, not the least.
The mathematician climbs into his fence and says: "I am now outside the fence"
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”
Richard Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on computer science was the greatest.
Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Torvalds: "Well, God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Knuth: "Wait, wait, I never said that."