Pages

A Geologist and an engineer on a flight from LA to NY

A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A Cobol programmer made so much money

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

Definition of a Project Manager

Definition of a Project Manager

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

What's the difference between an introvert developer and an extrovert developer?


What's the difference between an introvert developer and an extrovert developer?
The extrovert developer looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

On the readability of Perl code

On the readability of Perl code

One day Bill Gates died and met god

One day Bill Gates died and met god. God said "Now then, Bill, i'll show you heaven and hell and you can choose which one you want to go to. Sound good?"
"Yeah!,"replies Gates.
So god takes Gates to hell first. In hell he shows him pretty maidens, beautiful landscapes and an endless supply of pop tarts.
"So you like it?"he asks him.
"Yeah, it's great,"Gates replies.
So god takes him to heaven. In heaven he shows him quite pretty maidens, quite beautiful landscapes and a not quite endless supply of pop tarts.
"So bill have you made your choice?"
"Yes, God. i want to go to hell,"
"OK then."
And Bill Gates is whisked away to hell. But it is not the hell he saw before. Here there are no pretty maidens, no beautiful landscapes and no pop tarts. Instead there are all the most horrible things ever.
"Aaaahhhh! Where am I!"asks Gates.
"In hell,"replies god.
"But it's not how it was before!"cries Gates.
"Aahh. That was just the demo Bill."

An engineering student with a new bicycle


An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

Video: Java Zone X The Streaming

Ten dot! Ten dot! Ten dot!

Video: Java 4 Ever 2010 Trailer

Programming conferences have the best promo videos


3 DBAs walk into a NoSQL bar

3 DBAs walk into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walk out because they couldn't find a table.

Programmer goes to shop for groceries

Programmer goes to shop for groceries, wife tells him: "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen." So he comes back home with a dozen gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

How do you generate a random string?

How do you generate a random string?
Put a first year CS student in front of VIM and tell him to save and exit.

Who uses which Computer

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

3 people had carpool

3 people had carpool: a mechanical engineer, a electrical engineer and a Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down. 
Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be the fuel injection. Lemme fix it." 
The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I'll fix it." 
Microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back into it, and it should run!"

Video: MongoDB is Web Scale

I enjoy hilarious discussions about data bases


Why programmers like UNIX

Why programmers like UNIX:

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

When your hammer is C++

When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Knock, knock

"Knock, knock."
"Who’s there?"
very long pause….
"Java."

Program Development Cycle


1  Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2  Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3  Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4  Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't  work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5  See 3.
6  See 4.
7  See 5.
8  See 6.
9  See 7.
10 See 8.
11 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12 Users find 137 new bugs.
13 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...."